


Eternity

by Judas_Iscariot



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: (kinda), Afterlife, Blood, Cheesy, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Self Harm, Suicide, probably getting smutty later on, repeated deaths
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 22:09:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2085006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Judas_Iscariot/pseuds/Judas_Iscariot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon was sure he was crying as he saw the shape of a body on the other side of the road. It was steadying itself on the railing of the bridge, looking down oblivious to the screaming of the cars and the blinding lights, and although that shape was just a blurry silhouette against the faint grey sky, and the rain was dancing around that body like it didn't deserve to touch it, didn't <em>dare</em> to touch it, Simon just knew who stood there all alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolog

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ho!  
> So this is my first piece of fanfiction in about... half a year? So don't expect too much. Also, English is not my first language so there may be a few mistakes but a friend of mine read through the text so if there's anything wrong it's her fault lol.  
> Yeah, there's not much to say about this. It's Judas/Simon because why the heck aren't there any ffs about them?! (Like, two. One in German and the other one takes place after Judas' death. Seriously?)  
> Yeah, have fun. With my style. It's funny eh.

His hand was warm against the pale skin of his dead lover's cheek. His face was nearly white now and the once red lips had turned into a cold, icy blue. Dark circles had formed under his eyes and his chest was oh so still- Simon couldn't take it. Seeing Judas like this- lying just before him, eyes closed, oblivious, dark bruises around his neck from where the rope had cut his skin and broken the bone and squashed his veins and nerves and- Simon didn't even want to think about it. 

He had a feeling he would throw up any second but ignored it, just as he ignored the tears that were forming in his eyes again and the pain that shot through his palm as he tightened the grip around the gun even more. It was violent. His right hand though was the exact opposite. It caressed Judas' face, softly traced the cheekbones, eyebrows, down the nose to the lips where his fingers stopped.  
He'd laid there for too long. His heart didn't seem to beat anymore and the sticky air choked him, his brain told him to _die already_ and his eyes were tired and sore and burnt and he wasn't sure if he could still see through all the tears, wheather they had already dried or not, or if he just imagined Judas's face next to his own. 

Losing both Jesus and Judas at the same time had been too much for him. He'd lost his guide, his light, his mentor with Jesus, but with Judas he'd lost his life. His love. He had failed. How many times would Judas find him drunk or high, the gun in the hand whispering a mantra of _“I'm not worth it”_ and _“why am I still here”_ and _“Just go and find someone who can make you happy”_ and everytime he would just be there and calm him, hold him, tell him _“It's alright”_ and _“I love you” _and even when he cried the whole night, Judas would still be there in the morning, kissing him and taking care of all his wounds. And Simon hadn't be able to do it. Had even hated him. For killing himself, for killing Jesus, for killing everything around him, everything in Simon's life. He knew he was exaggerating but his mind couldn't help it.__

__Yes, he hated Judas for everything he'd done, but he also loved that man so goddamn much it tore a hole into his chest. He wasn't there anymore. He wouldn't stroke his cheek, kissing the tears away, and tell him _“It's alright”_ and _“I love you”_ and slowly press him down onto the ground and fuck him until he couldn't think straight, until he forgot why he'd cried in the first place.  
He just wouldn't be there anymore, never again, and he couldn't ever see him, hear him, feel him again and he didn't know what to do because what was life without him and without Jesus and he'd lost everything and wanted to die because Judas wouldn't be there anymore, never again, and he couldn't ever see him, hear him, feel him again and he didn't know what to do because_ _

__That's when his left index finger pulled the trigger and a shot rang out and he was dead and in the maze of last thoughts of _'hopeless'_ and _'I hate you'_ and _'he won't be there anymore'_ that he had was the last bit of hope that screamed _'Heaven'_ in the back of his mind and _'We'll be forever together'_ and wasn't that sad and it was all that was left. A bullet in his head, the ring on the necklace, the gun in his left hand and his right hand now lifeless on Judas' cheek, face to face with blood all over and that was how he would be remembered. If he would be remembered at all._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the prolog-thingy. I don't really like it all that much (I wrote it after I wrote the first chapter).  
> Maybe drop a comment? It would make my day! :D
> 
> And if you were wondering, I based the characters on JCS 2000. If you don't like that version you can change some stuff in your head. You know. Like hair colours and so on.
> 
> I really wasn't sure about posting this but ehhhh. Yolo.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> Sooo you've made it through the prolog I see! 
> 
> There's not much to say, just enjoy this as much as you can!

He awoke slowly, senses tingling and searching for information, reaching out and failing. The only thing they could muster was the heavy rain and the far away sounds of water and a faint roaring. His head hurt and he needed a moment before he could remember what had happened. He looked to the ground. No blood, just a dirty alleyway and neverending rain.  
There he was, laying in the dirt, very much alive and unable to comprehend, to breathe, to think, _to exist_. He shouldn't be here, he knew that. He should be dead. _Heaven_ , something in the back of his mind screamed. _Is this what Heaven looks like?_ Then he turned around, lying on his back, facing the grey sky and the colourless walls that surrounded him and knew that _no, this could never ever be Heaven_. Instead he wondered if this might as well be Hell. Jesus had mentioned something like that a few times, but all those memories were so distant. As if they had happened a million years, a thousand lifetimes ago. There was nothing but blurred pictures and fading voices and still, one face and one name always remained the same, as if his mind didn't want to forget. Couldn't let go and always wanted more and he knew this man was the reason he got here in the first place- wherever _here_ might be. 

He remembered brown eyes with that horrible depth that he thought might swallow you if you only stared into it long enough, and the dark lashes that he found so strangely beautiful, and how he could stare into these eyes for hours.  
He remembered all sorts of smiles- the soft one that he used to calm him down, the amused one that he mostly wore when the nights had gotten too long, the devilish one when he had Simon pinned to the bed and was about to do the best things to his body.  
He remembered everything. Every scar, every freckle, every goddamn hair. And he knew he had to see him. Just once he wanted to be there for him and touch him and caress him and hold him for as long as he needed to be held and then some. He wanted to punch him in the face and between sobs and kisses and some more weakening punches he would whisper a mantra of _“I love you”_ and _“I hate you”_ and _“Please be with me forever”_ and _“Don't leave me”_ and _“Go fuck yourself”_. 

Slowly he got up. Every bone hurt and his skin felt as if it would tear every second now, and his head seemed to be exploding. _Great idea. Shoot yourself in the head. See what you get. Idiot._ On the other hand, how could he have known that he would wake up in Hell.  
 _Bet I don't deserve Heaven at all. Let's just hope_ he _doesn't either._

Truth be told, that was just an ugly thing to think but he decided he wasn't to blame, it was alone Judas' fault and anyway, not even the King of Hell himself would be so cruel as to let Simon exist forever without any trace of his lover. _King of Hell_ , he thought. _Ridiculous_. 

He turned around, the sound of the rain still present and the cold of the water actually welcome, and at the end of the alleyway there was a street. It was loud, louder than he thought he might be able to bear and he wondered how he hadn't noticed this before but then again, nothing made any sense at all. He took one careful step closer to the chaos of colours and noise and movements so fast he couldn't follow and for a second everything went blank, then black, until he could see those lights again, and dizzily he followed them and all the sensations came crashing down on him and he thought he couldn't take it anymore. Light after light raced just before him, engines roaring and he knew _these are cars_ and everything was full of the stinging smell of oil and the heavy stench of smoke that collected in his lungs. He didn't care. It just made him want one of those cheap cigarettes he used to smoke. Those that made you want to throw up. Those that you could practically feel burning your lungs. But for now he needed to concentrate on staying calm and not passing out and the rain was oh so soothing and he was sure he was crying as he saw the shape of a body on the other side of the road.  
It was steadying itself on the railing of the bridge, looking down oblivious to the screaming of the cars and the blinding lights, and although that shape was just a blurry silhouette against the faint grey sky, and the rain was dancing around that body like it didn't deserve to touch it, didn't _dare_ to touch it, Simon just knew who that man was. He felt his heart pounding in his chest and tried to ignore the deafening noise and the upcoming urge to vomit. He needed to get over there. He needed to touch him, hold him, tell him _it is okay_ and _it is over now_ and _how could you be so stupid_ , and he needed to be held and touched and told that it was okay and over and _I'msorryIlove youLet'srunawaytogether_. 

Every step that took him nearer to the street, nearer to Judas, seemed to kill him. He couldn't breathe and his ears rang and he told himself it would be worth it, enjoy it, you'll be fine, you're going to laugh about this sooner or later, _Judas_. He needed to see him. He needed to see him, needed to see him _now_. He stumbled onto the street, lights flashing and horns blaring and he thought _that's it, I'm gonna die again_ , and that thought felt surprisingly natural as if he'd thought that a million times before, as if he had _died_ a million times before. He couldn't care though, he had to get over to Judas because _he needed to see him so badly_ and every step hurt and cut his breath shorter and every bone in his body seemed to crack with each step but he just couldn't care, and his skin was on fire but he couldn't care and the rain seemed to drown him but he _couldn't fucking care because he needed to see Judas._ And it was so loud, so loud so loudsoloud _soloud_ and then it was all gone. 

 

He stepped onto the pavement. It was peaceful. The only lights he could see now were the raindrops on Judas' leather jacket and the only audible sound was his panting breath and gentle sobs and he really didn't know if it was only him or if they were both crying. Otherwise the world was in complete silence. Simon didn't dare turn around.  
He lifted his hand and brought it to Judas' shoulder. His breath hitched but he didn't turn his head, didn't look at his lover. It broke Simon's heart. 

“Judas.” 

The word echoed in his head and triggered every single memory. Every time they laughed, every time they cried and punched each other and had sex and shared all the sweet and bitter moments, and he missed him so much. 

“It's unbearable”, Simon said, and he was surprised to find that his voice was that calm and not shaking at all. He was sure he was crying though, but he just _could not care_.  
Still there was no reaction from Judas. He tightened his grip on Judas' shoulder, stepped just this little bit closer.  
“Please... say something.” Now his voice broke and every syllable reverbrated in his mind and he had an odd feeling that he might go insane but _It would be worth it, enjoy it, you'll be fine_. 

“I'm sorry.”

It was all Judas said before he looked at Simon with eyes deeper than the sea and sadder than the moon and an understanding that wasn't from this world and Simon was painfully reminded of why he loved this man so damn much; it was all Judas said before Simon could even understand a word, a glance, a gesture of a warm hand removing a freezing cold one from a shoulder, before Judas leaped over the railing down the bridge. 

Simon stared. The second Judas' falling body was out of sight was the second the maddening din started again and the rain and the lights and mixtures of colours that came back at once and that were much too bright tore a hole into Simon's chest. Breathing was impossible but _he needed breath_ but he just couldn't- and then everything went dizzy again and it was that feeling as if you were falling yourself but you still stand on steady ground, only that the pavement seemed to vibrate, shake, and the Earth spun far too fast for him to follow anymore and all he could hear above the screaming of the cars was his own voice as he yelled incomprehensible things at nothing and no one at all, because _there was no one left_. Only him. And he was shouting and screaming and yelling and he didn't care, _couldn't care_ , or maybe it was just his mind that took Judas away, or maybe it was his thoughts that were screaming and he couldn't make a sound at all because _he couldn't breathe_ but he didn't fucking care because 

“Fuck this” 

and the lights were getting brighter, crashing down on him and the noise was getting far too loud and was pushing him down but he didn't care because Judas was dead and this was all a bad joke and _how was this even possible_ and 

and he screamed in agony as he realized that God hated him and the world hated him and he hated himself and the ridiculous King of Hell loved him so much and _What have I done to deserve this_ and

and then it was over as the sensations overwhelmed him and pushed him over the railing and _God, why do you hate me so much_

and it was all over because he'd lost Judas again and it was all over because he'd lost himself again and it was all over because he'd lost Judas again and it was all over because 

he didn't care

because it was over and because he'd lost Judas again and because God hated him and because the colours and lights and noises were fading and the rain had stopped and the grey had turned to black

because it was over and even if it wasn't, he'd live a million lifetimes if he could only see Judas for those few seconds of _lovehatefearagonypainhatredlove_ and

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liked it? Comments would be great but you know, I can't tell you what to do. c:
> 
> Anyways, I know my style is a bit weird. But when you write depressing German fanfiction for years, this is what you get. Hallelujah. I hope it's not too bad though c:  
> (It's art.)
> 
> Wish me luck for the next chapter, I hope I'm gonna finish this fanfic!
> 
> (Also, the notes thing kinda broke. Or I am just too stupid for this website. Help.)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the prolog-thingy. I don't really like it all that much (I wrote it after I wrote the first chapter).  
> Maybe drop a comment? It would make my day! :D 
> 
> And if you were wondering, I based the characters on JCS 2000. If you don't like that version you can change some stuff in your head. You know. Like hair colours and so on.
> 
> I really wasn't sure about posting this but ehhhh. Yolo.


End file.
